As a die-hard Harry Potter fanatic, no one dislikes the concept of Twilight—some pansy love story with not a single wizard in sight!—more than I do.
And even though there doesn't seem to be a warm-blooded female on the planet who's not obsessed with Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen, he will always be Cedric Diggory in my eyes.
But despite my lack of obsession with all things pale and sparkly, I couldn't help trying DuWop's Twilight product tie-in, Lip Venom V.
I know, I know.
I've kvetched about my less than stellar experience with the cult-y lip plumper but with the rather sad state of my love life, the promise of a blood-red pout with the power to tempt even the undead was too alluring to resist. It just seemed like something that’s fun, youthful, and easy to wear with heavy eyeliner or a low cut dress.
I tried a few swipes first without shaking the vial to disperse the red stain droplets and though tiny colored flecks clung to the brush, it didn't deliver anything more than cinnamon scented lips. And oh yeah, the same blood-curdling tingle DuWop is known for. Yeow-zah!
For all the patented plumping razzle dazzle, my lips . . . looked exactly the same as before I applied the gloss. And they weren't even particularly shiny. Despite slicking on enough coats to be mistaken for the Exxon Valdez, LV2 is so thin and oily it literally melted off my lips and ran down my chin. WTF? So NOT cute.
Take two. A few shakes "to blend the human and vampire worlds" (insert eye roll here) definitely gave my pucker some color all right. You know the bright red stain kids get around their mouths after sucking on a Popsicle? Yeah. Not exactly the hypnotizing Black Honey-esque look I was hoping for. But if you're trying to achieve that youthful Kool-Aid red shade all the kids are sporting these days, this is definitely the product for you!
To be fair, I tried LV2 a few more times, but as Sean Connery said in Indiana Jones & The Lost Crusade, the "situation did not improve." Color clung to the corners of my mouth and ended up streaky and uneven on my actual lips, and the only plumping action was the padding of DuWop's wallets thanks to the $19.50 I shelled out for it.
Vampires might live forever but Lip Venom V should be staked and sent to product purgatory. Evidently Twilight's first foray into cosmetics, a perfume venture released by Hot Topic that ended up slapped with a lawsuit and a 50% off sticker, was a sign of sucky products to come.
But if the Harry Potter folks ever come out with a line of bubble, bubble, toil and trouble cosmetics, I'd totally be up for trying the "Holy Hogwarts!" lip balm and "Hip Hip Hippogriff" blush!
Just sayin' . . .